Bad Feminist

I've recently become aware of the disturbing fact that I can't fall asleep until Scott comes to bed. I've tried meditation. I've tried listening to music or church talks. I've tried positioning a pillow next to me where he will eventually lay. Nothing works.

I lie there pretending, thinking, this is not because I am waiting up for him, and it's not because I depend on him, and it is certainly not because I have forgotten what it is to be an independent woman! Hours later, when he finally finishes working and comes to bed, I pretend to be asleep because he does not get the satisfaction of finding me still awake. 

He falls asleep in a matter of minutes and I am consumed by jealousy, fuming over half-formed blog posts about how this is just another way women come pre-conditioned to defer to men.